English thoughts

Does this make me cruel?

Yesterday evening my parents called. We will see them in 2 days, and they wanted to tell me in advance that my grandmother is not feeling well. She is living in the house next door and my parents are simply trying to avoid the situation when we arrive and see the black flag flying in the wind…

She has been living inside the bedroom and in the perimetre of her bed since more than 1 year. She is 82 years old and she has someone sponge washing her and helping her every day. She is loosing the track of time and she is in pain. She hasn’t walked for the last 12 month…

She had 6 children and she has been working hard all her life. She used to be a very vivid person and loved enjoying life. She is aware of that and misses it. She doesn’t want anymore to live like this. She wants to die… I am expecting my parents to call anytime and tell me she did. But I am not sad. I cannot be. My grandmother is not there since 1 year. She transformed into a shade person. Sure, she eats and talks, but there is as far as the similarities go. She doesn’t talk the same, she looks through you sometimes and she rarely laughs anymore. There is just her body left.

I am not sad. I know I will miss her. I already miss her since 12 months.

Does it make me a heartless person if I wish to keep her in my memory as I knew her when I was a child? If I wish I will not be there for the funerals, because I don’t want to see her laying cold? If I just want to say good-bye to her in my mind?

I know I can’t control that, but I can wish it…

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One thought on “Does this make me cruel?

  1. Lavinia says:

    Acum 2 ani a murit bunica mea, care mi-a fost ca o mama. De fapt, ea m-a crescut. Am iubit-o nespus. Eram deja in Olanda cand s-a intamplat. N-am fost la inmormantare, pentru ca am vrut sa mi-o amintesc asa cum era. La fel si in cazul bunicii lui Alex. Aceeasi relatie de suflet. El i-a cerut mamei lui sa nu-i spuna nici macar cand va muri. Si nu i-a spus. Noi alegem cum si cand ne luam ramas bun de la ei. Ei sunt oricum acolo, in sufletul nostru.

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