English thoughts

Sex and personal development

It became a fashion to do some personal development. Not bad, some might say and I tend to agree with them. However, I cannot prevent myself from asking: how far does personal development go? And which aspects of our daily lives does it cover? I am giving it a try since 2 years and I can see a lot of improvements in the way I perceive myself when looking in the mirror. I am more confident, more understanding and more trustful. And it feels great! I even thought it was enough until recently, when the obvious hit me: what about the sex part of me? Yes, I do feel more confident and I do like my body more but it stops there. When seing things from an horizontal perspective, everything is the same. Nothing changed. Neither better nor worse. Same techniques, same thinking. Ok, this can only be worse, as there is no excitement of newness anymore. And, just to be clear, I am only talking about me! Because I can only know what is going on inside MY head.

Thanks to my body intelligence, I had some time to rethink my sexuality. I say body intelligence because he/she/it decided that I need a break from the routine so that I can improve. So I did. And I’ve realized that I needed a change. An improvement. A sexual development. When one has an amazing life partner, one will continuously seek for ways to be at least as great. For sure it will not work all the time, as we all have ups and downs, but the results will not delay to appear. It is also my case.

After an irregular sexual life, one short marriage and already in my 30s, being in a beautiful relation with a lot of love and understanding, proved to be more difficult as expected regarding the sex part. Simply because stability, comfort, safety, dedication are natural antidotes to passion, newness, challenges (as Esther Perel beautifully demonstrates in her talks). In other words, we naturally lose the desire for sex or we search for the passionated sex somewhere else.

As I don’t even imagine myself touching and kissing another man than my lovely husband, I decided to start my sex development. TED talks, various articles, meditation sessions, self analyse, writing down the worries and doubts, some time with myself, sport, music, talking with my husband and finished by applying all the new notions I’ve learned. The conclusion is quite simple and obvious (if we make the effort to look close enough): it IS possible to have passion AND comfort, challenges AND safety, newness AND stability, all with the same person. Because our sexuality starts in our heads. We first imagine and then we do the things we have imagined. It applies to everything, sexuality included. The key: practice, practice, practice!

A hand on his shoulders when we are out with our friends, a hand on my knees, a kiss on his neck… special details known just by us… and never stop playing. Because (surprisingly or not) we learn easier and faster when we don’t take ourselves too serious.

So, to resume it all: read (kama sutra, various starting techniques, anatomical details and functionalities, psychological effects), see (movies, shapes, colors, positions, movements, places…), feel (textures and shapes), taste (almost anything you could think of), smell (breathing techniques, scents), listen, talk, meditate, imagine… PLAY! But most of all…ENJOY!

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